[Home] [Back to November 20, 1998] [Forward to April 1, 1999] [Archives]

The fRiDaY File, for February 5, 1999

Windows 2000 Delayed!

Press Release: For general release

REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that the
official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" 
will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

But wait, there's more! ...

Be sure to WRITE YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS ON A PIECE OF PAPER before going to the Isys Information Architects Inc. site.

Put the piece of paper in your pocket, where the paramedics can find it. That's because the Isys Interface Hall of Shame page has been known to cause people to pass out, in horror, or from laughter, or both.

Keep that piece of paper handy when you visit the RinkWorks Online Entertainment site.

Here's an excerpt from their Book-A-Minute page:

Don't have time to read it all?

We at Book-A-Minute understand that your time is valuable. You want to experience the wonder and excitement of the fine art of literature, but reading actual books requires a significant time investment. We've got the solution for you. Our ultra-condensed books are just the ticket...

The Handmaid's Tale

By Margaret Atwood

Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard

I've got a name, but I won't ever tell it to you.
I get to do Offred once a month, but I'd rather play Scrabble with her instead.
I don't even get to play Scrabble with her. That sucks.
Ofglen is dead.
(There is a good speculative fiction story going until the END, which is INANE and LITERARY, because it is ILLEGAL for a work of LITERATURE to have CLOSURE.)


Here's an excerpt from the RinkWorks Movie-A-Minute page:

Enemy of the State

Directed by Tony Scott


Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard

Will Smith
A secret government conspiracy is trying to kill me.
Gene Hackman
Reluctantly, I'll help you.
(Will Smith and Gene Hackman turn the TABLES and have a SHOOTOUT.)


...And here's an excerpt from the RinkWorks Computer Stupidities page:

  • Customer: "I seem to have lost my IP address can you tell me what it is?"
  • Tech Support: "Just a minute, I'll check." (pause) "You're using Win95 aren't you? It's a bit complicated. Click on Start."
  • Customer: "Ok, I don't need to do that--"
  • Tech Support: "Please do it my way, click on Start."
  • Customer: "Ok."
  • Tech Support: "Now click on Settings...Control Panel...Networks...TCP/IP...and now on Protocols, and there you are."
  • Customer: "Yes, that's where I was when I called you."
  • Tech Support: "Well why call me? That's where your IP address is, right in front of you."
  • Customer: "Well, that's where it should be, but mine's all blank."
  • Tech Support: "Well, what do you want me to do?"
  • Customer: "Can you tell me what it is?"
  • Tech Support: "Of course, just a second...why didn't you ask me that in the first place?"

Daily Affirmations

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

I know that a good scapegoat is as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

I no longer worry about my health. I know it will go away.

I know that hard work pays off in the future, and that laziness pays off now.

The sooner I fall behind, the more time I'll have to catch up.

If at first I don't succeed, I shall destroy all evidence that I tried.

My sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

You know you work in corporate America in the 90's if...

You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.


It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your eternally loving husband.
PS. Sure is hot down here.

More Email

Please read - Your very life may depend on this warning!

If you receive an e-mail with an attachment named "Badtimes" delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

If you open or save the attachment, it will change a key sector of your hard disk, rendering every file unreadable. It then runs a Flash-BIOS update, writing all zeros to your PC's BIOS. It will also reset your PC's CMOS settings, making it impossible even to boot from a diskette. Not only will it erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also causes a magnetic field around your monitor, deleting anything on any disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, and screws up the tracking on your VCR.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone's AutoDial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz to migrate behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume causing it to smell like dill pickles.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs of infection.


World's Shortest Book...

The Difference Between Reality And Dilbert

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

- Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

- Ken Olson, Chairman of DEC, 1977

640K ought to be enough for anybody.

- Bill Gates, 1981

The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.

- Bob Dole

Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the "First Couple's" tank.

As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. "Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks.

They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the First Couple leaves. As they drive, Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him," he says smugly.

Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President."

Urban Legend

I know this guy whose neighbour, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of fried chicken. One day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub. It was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub, he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN.

A note on his mirror said "Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and a virus would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"

He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer, working on software to save us from Armageddon 2000. His program may prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. This is true because it was in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who promised a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward his e-mail to everyone I know.

The poor man tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily, he was only a few blocks from a hospital. It's the same one where that little boy is who's dying of cancer, whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him e-mail. Cancer researchers pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of X's and O's in the shape of an angel. If you get it, forward it to twenty people and you will have good luck. But if you forward it to ten people, you will only have OK luck. If you send it to less than ten people, you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS.

So the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along with no lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

He never even knew the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.

[Home] [Back to November 20, 1998] [Forward to April 1, 1999] [Archives]
[mail to: bcarter@bcarter.com]