Last modified: May 31, 1996
mail to: firstname.lastname@example.org
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Date: Thu, 14 Dec 95 09:08:09 CST
From: email@example.com (Kester Rice)
Subject: information super highway
I just got this and think it is
hilarious as well as accurate.
There it is again. Some clueless
FOOL talking about the "Information
Superhighway." They don't know DIDDLY
about the net. It's NOTHING like a
Superhighway. That's a BAD metaphor.
Yeah, but suppose the metaphor ran in
the OTHER direction. Suppose the
HIGHWAYS were like the NET. All
right! Severe craziness. A highway
HUNDREDS of lanes wide. Most with
potholes. Privately operated bridges
and overpasses. No highway patrol.
A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles
with broken whistles. 500 member
VIGILANTE POSSES with nuclear
weapons. 237 ON RAMPS at every
intersection. NO SIGNS. Wanna get
to Ensenada? Holler out the window at
a passing truck to ask directions.
AD HOC traffic laws. Some lanes would
VOTE to make use by a single-occupant-vehicle
a CAPITAL OFFENSE on Monday through
Friday between 7:00 and 9:00. Other
lanes would just SHOOT you without a
trial for talking on a car phone.
AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking
BUS with hundreds of EBOLA victims
and a TOILET spewing out on the road
behind it. Throwing DEAD WOMBATS and
rotten cabbage at the other cars most
of which have been ASSEMBLED AT HOME
from kits. Some are 2.5 horsepower
LAWNMOWER ENGINES with a top speed of
nine miles an hour. Others burn
NITROGLYCERINE and IDLE at 120.
No license tags. World War II BOMBER
NOSE ART instead. Terrifying
paintings of huge teeth or VAMPIRE
EAGLES. Bumper mounted MACHINE GUNS.
Flip somebody the finger on this
highway and get a WHITE PHOSPHORUS
GRENADE up your tailpipe. Flatbed
trucks with ANTI-AIRCRAFT MISSILE
BATTERIES to shoot down the KRUD
Traffic Watch helicopter. A little
kid on a tricycle with a squirtgun
filled with HYDROCHLORIC ACID.
Now THAT'S the way to run an
Interstate Highway system.