Breck Carter
Last modified: May 31, 1996
mail to: bcarter@bcarter.com



The fRiDaY File, for May 31

( Go forward )

 

Date: Thu, 14 Dec 95 09:08:09 CST

From: kes@sunriver.com (Kester Rice)

To: mutter-l@utpapa.ph.utexas.edu

Subject: information super highway

 

I just got this and think it is

hilarious as well as accurate.

 

There it is again. Some clueless

FOOL talking about the "Information

Superhighway." They don't know DIDDLY

about the net. It's NOTHING like a

Superhighway. That's a BAD metaphor.

 

Yeah, but suppose the metaphor ran in

the OTHER direction. Suppose the

HIGHWAYS were like the NET. All

right! Severe craziness. A highway

HUNDREDS of lanes wide. Most with

potholes. Privately operated bridges

and overpasses. No highway patrol.

A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles

with broken whistles. 500 member

VIGILANTE POSSES with nuclear

weapons. 237 ON RAMPS at every

intersection. NO SIGNS. Wanna get

to Ensenada? Holler out the window at

a passing truck to ask directions.

AD HOC traffic laws. Some lanes would

VOTE to make use by a single-occupant-vehicle

a CAPITAL OFFENSE on Monday through

Friday between 7:00 and 9:00. Other

lanes would just SHOOT you without a

trial for talking on a car phone.

 

AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking

BUS with hundreds of EBOLA victims

and a TOILET spewing out on the road

behind it. Throwing DEAD WOMBATS and

rotten cabbage at the other cars most

of which have been ASSEMBLED AT HOME

from kits. Some are 2.5 horsepower

LAWNMOWER ENGINES with a top speed of

nine miles an hour. Others burn

NITROGLYCERINE and IDLE at 120.

 

No license tags. World War II BOMBER

NOSE ART instead. Terrifying

paintings of huge teeth or VAMPIRE

EAGLES. Bumper mounted MACHINE GUNS.

Flip somebody the finger on this

highway and get a WHITE PHOSPHORUS

GRENADE up your tailpipe. Flatbed

trucks with ANTI-AIRCRAFT MISSILE

BATTERIES to shoot down the KRUD

Traffic Watch helicopter. A little

kid on a tricycle with a squirtgun

filled with HYDROCHLORIC ACID.

 

NO OFFRAMPS.

 

Now THAT'S the way to run an

Interstate Highway system.

 

Kester Rice


Breck Carter can be reached by phone at (416) 763-5200 or via email at bcarter@bcarter.com.