The fRiDaY File, for July 8

ElephantHunt97 MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding as above as a subordinate exercise. PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students. COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A: Go to Africa. Start at the Cape of Good Hope. Work Northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately East & West. During each traversal: Catch each animal seen. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant. Stop when a match is detected. EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute algorithm A on their hands and knees. HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant. CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them. LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping. SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice but with deeper voices. QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep. SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants, but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.