The fRiDaY File, for April 11

Time's Fun I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. - A Bit of Fry and Laurie A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. - Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960 Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them." With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. - Ransom K. Ferm Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw. The Science graduate asks, "Why does it work?" The Engineer asks, "How does it work?" The Accounting graduate asks, "How much will it cost?" The Liberal Arts grad asks, "Do you want fries with that?" Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. - Dave Barry I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. - William James Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway. - Andrew Tannenbaum There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? - Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats - approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. - Emo Phillips Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. - F. P. Jones Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. - Douglas Adams, "Last Chance to See" As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. - Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" - Quentin Crisp Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. - Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. - John F. Kennedy Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. - Johnny Carson The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. - D. E. Knuth, 1967 A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. - In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs. - E. Grebenik Don't worry about temptation-as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. - Old Farmer's Almanac G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." - Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4 The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. - Plutarch Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." - Charlie Brown, "Peanuts" [Charles Schulz] The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. - Salvador Dali What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. - Sigmund Freud I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. - Hunter S. Thompson Sacred cows make the best hamburger. - Mark Twain "Time's fun when you're having flies." - Kermit the Frog