The fRiDaY File, for February 18

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. The Top 10 List... ...of things you don't want to hear from Technical Support: (10) "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it." (9) "So, what are you wearing?" (8) "Duuuuuude! Bummer!" (7) "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, cap'n." (6) "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery." (5) "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that." (4) "In layman terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect." (3) "Hold on a second...Mom! Timmy's hitting me!" (2) "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics." And the number one thing you don't want to hear from tech support: (1) "Please hold for Mr. Gates's attorney." Is he stupid? "Is he stupid? Let me put it this way: He's a few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. Dumber than a box of hair. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. His wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. A few feathers short of a whole duck. All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Chimney's clogged. He doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay his brain bill. His sewing machine's out of thread. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. If he had another brain it would be lonely. He's missing a few buttons on his remote control. No grain in the silo. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Several nuts short of a full pouch. Skylight leaks a little. Slinky's kinked. Surfing in Nebraska. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. The lights are on, but nobody's home. 24 cents short of a quarter. Yes, he's stupid all right!" Bumper Stickers Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. Forget about world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. We are Microsoft. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't. Diplomacy is that art of saying "Nice doggie!" until you can find a rock. "Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog." - Dorothy We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. The Priest, The Drunkard, And The Engineer It's the French Revolution and they're doing the usual beheading. Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer up to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. They take this as divine intervention and release the priest. Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well. The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer says "Hey, I see what your problem is." "I email over oatmeal." MCI has been running that telecommuting commercial for several weeks now. You know, the one where she says "I take faxes in my pyjamas" and "I still don't shower." But don't you think it's time?