The fRiDaY File, for December 13

Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide! The Invisible Killer Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death. Dihydrogen monoxide: is also known as hydroxyl acid, and is the major component of acid rain. contributes to the "greenhouse effect." may cause severe burns. contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape. accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals. may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes. has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients. Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions! Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California. Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used: as an industrial solvent and coolant. in nuclear power plants. in the production of styrofoam. as a fire retardant. in many forms of cruel animal research. in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical. as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products. Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer! The Horror Must Be Stopped! The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use. It's Not Too Late! Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don't know can hurt you and others throughout the world. Why E-Mail is like a Male Reproductive Organ Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. Some of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy). It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up but this makes it hard to get any real work done. In the past, it's only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than it's actual size and influence warrant. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in a whole lot of trouble. Violent Night (to the tune of "Silent Night") Silent Mac, broken Mac! System bombed, screen went black. Books suggested things; I tried 'em all: Shift key, desktop file, clean reinstall. Now my deadline is tight, This Mac's been silent all night. Violent night, horrible night! Lost my cool, filled with spite, Threw my Mac through the balcony door Watched it fall from the 20th floor, Now I'm sleeping in peace; Thank God I had it on lease. The oXyMoRoN Watch Airport Security: "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" Passenger: "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" Airport Security (nodding knowingly): "That's why we ask."